Dealing with Shame
Shame and Disconnection
Written by Delyse Ledgard
Shame is an intensely uncomfortable feeling that arises as a result of failure. If our failure is met by others with comfort and understanding we can transcend our shame and learn from mistakes and limitations. Otherwise shame gets under our skin and starts to infect our sense of self and our relationship to others. This article discusses the relationship between shame and disconnection as important to our understanding of how shame develops and how we can heal from it.
The importance of connection
The importance of connection to others is evident. Connection provides us with comfort, validation, support, belonging and is necessary to our survival. Through the sharing and collaboration of ideas and knowledge we create new technologies. Our lives thrive through the connection of others because we can do far more together than by ourselves. Our development of self comes through the reflection of those close to us as we grow and experience being loved. We heal from life’s struggles and trauma by the loving support of others.
Of course connection (or more accurately, disconnection) with others can bring pain, loss and abuse. When we are hurt at the hands of others shame results. Shame withers our sense of self and disconnection from others will occur in all sorts of ways. We withhold and shrink back from putting ourselves out in the world. It is important to distinguish here that disconnection refers to the experience of connection, or attempts to connect, being deliberately or accidentally severed. The connection is broken. The experience of being alone is not shameful unless it is associated with rejection and failure. Failure comes about by trying something and being unsuccessful.
Humiliation is a common experience where aspects of our self are belittled. Not only do we have a sense that something about our self is useless but our inability to stand up to the barrage of humiliation also leaves us with a sense of failure. When we are able to defend and fight back in the face of humiliation we carry less toxic shame because we have a sense of our ability to stand up for ourselves. We are expressing a pride in ourselves through this act.
Traumatic events and interpersonal trauma has at it’s core a feeling of shame, related to our awareness that we had no control to stop the tragedy. Feeling helpless is almost as painful as shame. That is because they are very much related. Inaction is shameful to us as human beings because we feel a weakness of our body, voice, and mind that then puts us at the mercy of others. Trauma happens when we experience an inability to deal with something and our system is overloaded. Our fight or flight system is activated but we are unable to fight or flee. The awareness that we could not deal with something leaves us feeling helpless and ashamed.
Disconnection
Disconnection is a key component of shame. When we are humiliated by others there is a sense of being cast out. Failure could be described as the inability to make an impact. Think for a moment about the intensely shameful feeling that arises from saying something into a group of people followed by a deathly silence. A silence that you wish could swallow you up and make you disappear. Disconnection creates shame because we are left with a feeling of failure to impact the other person. If our failure is seen by others or we believe it is, our shame causes us to want to cut off – therefore disconnecting further. Shame makes us lie, hide, cut off, withdraw and isolate in order for something shameful to be hidden. A vicious cycle of spiraling down into shame.
Experiencing someone withdrawing from us can activate our shame leaving us with feelings of alienation, rejection, self hatred, helplessness and non-existence. These feelings are ghosts from the past that took hold as we reached out and nothing was there. Disconnected responses include misunderstanding, confusion, denial, rejection and criticism. The younger we are the less ability we have to make sense of these responses to our attempts to connect, and tend to experience it as our failure.
Development of shyness
To illustrate the development of shame to disconnection let’s examine how shyness develops. This first occurs when we are an infant. The mother and infant’s interactions are all intended to create attachment and bonding. In this dynamic the infant uses various means to try and connect; using their voice, hands, feet and eye contact. All these methods are designed to create a response in the mother. If the mother fails consistently to respond accurately to these cues the infant experiences failure and shame around reaching out for contact and their needs being met. They will implicitly experience failure related to their body and voice. Reaching out becomes associated with failure and shame so the infant will increasingly hold back from making contact with others. Shyness is characterized by a lack of expression, self consciousness and holding oneself back. Children show these characteristics early on. Ironically adults often make it worse by shaming children further for being ‘shy’ or trying to push them into coming forward and inadvertently create further failure and shame.
Regular changes in connection and disconnection occur in close relationships which can activate a tendency to shame each other. This is because the easiest way to deal with an experience of shame is to project it onto others in the form of blame. In close relationships the connections and disconnections happen with a greater frequency and are experienced more deeply. When we defend against shame that get’s activated at these times of disconnection (with, projection, withdrawing, attacking, gossiping,?defensiveness) we get stuck in shame based interactions with others.
Letting go of shame
Dealing with our shame is at the core of what we work on in therapy in order to truly live the life we wish and become empowered. Society is a shame based system because it is much easier to project this terrible feeling of oneself onto others than feel it. It is also difficult to recover from toxic shame when reconnecting requires exposing the very aspects of ourself that holds shame. Blame, sarcasm, contempt, condescension are common place and spread shame based interactions. Large organizational systems reflect experiences of disconnection because they operate in generalized terms not through developing individual relationships. Rules are developed that capture what is common and efficient, not what is needed by the individual.
Disconnection will happen; it is inevitable. However, we can learn to release our shame so that we do not pass it on. Here are some ways that we can change the shame we carry.
Therapy provides a place to explore, and work through shame and find empowerment in your life. Anxiety, depression, difficulties in relating to others and trauma are all indicators of deep shame that would benefit form ongoing therapy.
Notice how you shame yourself, others and how they shame you. Develop observation. Healing Humanity. Life Without Shame by Anne Hastings gives many pointers to identifying shame in our lives.
Develop connections with others who you can talk about ways to change these interactions. Develop loving, non-judgmental relationships. Notice the ways in which you are connected.
Remember we are always healing, and having relationships that support us to be who we are and more, are needed to release the shame we carry.