This article examines the importance of being recognized to how we express ourselves and whether we experience ourselves as valid or not.  We know that when we focus on some aspect of our experience it comes alive with details and nuances we didn’t know were there. Similarly for others to show us recognition communicates we are indeed here, that we exist and allows us to see our experience more fully. For example how many times has someone noticed a gesture or expression that we made just outside our awareness that when it was brought to our attention allowed us to experience ourself in a new way.

Alternatively, when we are not recognized or validated we become at odds with ourselves; there is no feedback that confirms the truth of it. This article will identify how the basic splitting of our experience into good and bad starts with recognition.  This is an important process in one’s development for an infant and child to learn who they are in the world.

It is important to distinguish between attention and recognition.  Attention can respond  to certain aspects that a child needs and neglect others.  A mother can attend to physical care but neglect the need for comfort or soothing that helps the infant to return to a calm state. I am proposing that recognition is an empathic interaction between parent and child (and any two people) that sees the child’s experience with an understanding of them as they are in that moment, without judgement. Attention can be negative whereas recognition supports the others experience as it is.

It is through the infants needs that they first experience being known. The infant’s needs are basic: hunger, heat, soothing, comfort and these needs are necessary for a child’s survival.  When the infant is hungry they cry out and when the need is satisfied they return to a sense of wellbeing  and calm.  If the infants nervous system remains in an activated state more often than not this creates discomfort and crisis in the system.  This discomfort, which we could call dissatisfaction, forms neural pathways that associate the discomfort with particular needs and experiences. These pathways form patterns of response to the world around us and begin to create our sense of self.

As our cognitive and language abilities develop we build on these patterns of satisfaction and dissatisfaction by beginning to label our experience as we learn the words to express a pleasant vs unpleasant experience. Commonly these experiences develop into what is seen as good and bad, right and wrong, acceptable and unacceptable. So our expression and sense of self relates to this basic split between what has been recognized and what has not through being satisfied or not. So our sense of self begins with a validation of our needs and then as we develop becomes associated with language, behaviour, implicit sensory experiences, visual and auditory cues and the development of a cognitive script.

The unrecognized needs are intertwined with feelings such as fear, anger and shame; the emotional distress that is left from being unsatisfied. These emotions, behaviours and scripts that believe we don't deserve to be satisfied form a different set of patterns around those aspects of ourself that are experienced as bad or unacceptable. We can perhaps see how it would be difficult to bring these aspects of ourself forward in relationships. The accumulation of being unrecognized is traumatic when our system becomes emotionally overwhelmed, and the younger we are the easier it is to reach a crisis level. If as an infant or child our nervous system becomes overloaded we have a mechanism called dissociation, that will kick in to protect us from the intensity of our disappointment or fear.

We can not underestimate the power of being recognized and  validated as the basis of learning who we are in the world and experiencing what is acceptable or not. This split in our sense of self between what is acceptable and what is not will happen for everyone to some degree; life is not perfect and families always have norms of behaviour past down that affect what is recognized and validated. In addition, the more shame and trauma a person deals with growing up will create more aspects of our experience that are unacceptable.

The consequence of this split is that there are parts of our lives that remain unfulfilled and unsatisfied.  We will hold back on our desires for fear of reprisal and react to the world and others with unrecognized pain.  There remains an unfulfilled ache within us to be recognized, and we find ourselves having to: perform, entertain, be nice, be bad, funny, studious, quiet and obedient, or any number of ways that we have come to believe we should be, to just be noticed. We can end up living with much of our experience hidden from others and also from ourselves.

However, there is hope in coming full circle by first saying ‘I want to know’.  To begin to see within ourselves the voice that has not spoken or the action unrealized.  To reclaim the unrecognized parts of the self, we need to feel that it is valid.  It starts with a curiosity about our own truth and with shaking bones to take the risk to put that forward.  The relationships we form in our lives are important in working to heal the unrecognized self; to find others who are on this same journey of recognition, who will support and validate our experience, without judgement, but accept us for who we are or wish to be.

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Moving on from your family dynamics is a lifelong task and the result of family of origin work. The concept of differentiation is central to the ability to live your own life and form healthy adult relationships. In this article I provide a couple of definitions and identify ways you can develop  differentiation.

Differentiation is the active, ongoing process of defining self, revealing self, clarifying boundaries, and managing the anxiety that comes from risking either greater intimacy or potential separation.

Murray Bowen defined differentiation as the degree of resilience to the interpersonal contagion of anxiety.

It is important to distinguish between individuality, which these definitions may sound like, and differentiation. Individuality is how we develop as a person and connected to self esteem; what is it that makes us who we are?  Differentiation occurs in relation to others, how are we different from them? Differentiation is not about being separate from our family but about being able to tolerate who they are while maintaining our sense of self. People make the mistake of believing that they have left their family dynamics behind by being many miles away and having little to do with them.

I have worked with many clients who are struggling with wanting to change their relationship with a parent/s. Often they are feeling angry, hurt and disappointed when the same dynamics in the family continue. The need to change family members is based on wanting to get something they have never received: recognition, attention, comfort, support. The other side of this can involve trying to change themselves to get needs met. Both of these positions keep the person stuck in the family dynamics.

Some examples of low differentiation:

Jane is living with her parents and her father continually disregards her requests to respect her space and things. She gets angry and withdraws treating him as if he doesn’t exist. Her attempts to speak to him about her feelings end in yelling matches.

Josh lived his life taking care of himself and being independent and rational. He grew up with an alcoholic father. His father has been sober for the last 6 years and their relationship is ‘fine now’.  However, they have not discussed what it was like for him growing up and their interactions are superficial.

Peter’s mother constantly calls him asking for advice, wanting to talk when she is upset or lonely. Whenever Peter tries to limit the interactions she gets angry and manipulates with guilt. This ends up with Peter being there for his mother and resenting her.

Changing your interactions with your family can be complex. How do you maintain contact but not get drawn into the dynamics? This is a question many of my clients ask. It is easy to see why many people distance themselves to give the illusion that they have overcome their family dysfunction. However, in adult relationships these same dynamics show up and the way you deal with communication and conflict reflect your degree of differentiation.

Ways to improve differentiation

Dealing with anxiety

Anxiety causes us to acquiesce, shut down, cut off, withhold important feelings and desires, attack others and defend ourselves. Anxiety arises because risking self expression identifies difference. We feel anxious because being different and allowing others to know us, threatens our security in the relationship. We need to learn to regulate the swell of anxiety that arises as we risk being seen for who we are.  Grounding, relaxation and learning to be present are all important skills in helping to regulate your nervous system.

Boundaries
Undifferentiated boundary systems in families occur when family members don’t express differences and acquiesce to pressure to conform. Or they will fight to hold onto their identity with self righteousness and protection. Developing healthy boundaries increases differentiation and real connectedness. Even when your family members continue with unhealthy boundaries you can remain strong and clear in their presence by improving your boundaries.

Self awareness
Becoming self-aware increases your choices in relation to your family. As you become aware of how you get drawn into the dysfunction and lack of differentiation you can make different choices.  As we become aware of our reactions we can become observing of these dynamics instead of reactive.

Mourning losses
In order to move beyond wanting your family to change requires mourning the loss of your needs not being met. Keeping stuck in anger and hurt prevents you from mourning.  We have to acknowledge these tragedies in our life to let them go. Often clients have difficulty letting go of anger because it feels like they are letting their family ‘off the hook’.  It is important to realize that your family members are either going to take responsibility or not, and there is nothing that you can do about it. By mourning that your family is not the way you needed them to be, you are acknowledging what happened and allowing yourself to heal.

This article examines the main consequences of relationship betrayal that we experience growing up. I will define what we mean by relationship betrayal and then talk about five consequences that can happen.

Relationship betrayal happens when our needs, feelings and desires are betrayed by the people we are dependent on or have a significant attachment to. These relationships include those with family and those we rely on through institutions such as school or health. Extensive betrayal is traumatic because we become overwhelmed by the emotional pain and our safety and trust is threatened.

The kinds of experiences we encounter that betray us, lie along a continuum.  At one end of this continuum is what we call intrusive behaviours. Examples of this involve violent behaviour, physical, sexual and verbal abuse, but there are a lot of experiences that can be difficult to identify.  One example is overprotective parents. This is where the parent is invading the child with their fears about the world and preventing the child from experiencing their own desires. Another example is a parent who provokes debate about everything in order to win and feel superior.  A child in this position doesn’t have the experience or power to ever be right but is expected to try, only to be proved wrong over and over again.  

At the other end of the continuum is neglect. This is where you are treated as if you don’t exist, which may mean that you are quite literally ignored, or you do not remember being hugged, receiving affection or touch. Your physical needs for food or clothing may not be attended to. Another common example is when parents separate and the parent whom the child doesn’t live with, disappears, or has inconsistent contact. These are all examples of neglect.

Build up of emotional pain
All parents at times intrude upon or neglect their children. What prevents these times from becoming traumatic is the ability of parents to provide the space to repair these incidents, and hear the hurt or angry feelings of their children without shaming them. So often there are continuous incidents of betrayal that form patterns of relating in families with no opportunity for repair, or the awareness of repair as necessary.  The build up of emotional pain is one of the consequences of an unsafe and inattentive family environment. The emotional pain builds up because there is nowhere for it to go; there is no comfort. We need human caring in order to process this pain. In this situation children have to do something with their emotions in order to carry on and function in the family. So what happens is they have to stop experiencing the pain and detach in some way from their body.  It is the nervous system that becomes overwhelmed as the fight or flight response (sympathetic nervous system) is activated.

Children have the capacity to dissociate from the pain and will pattern their behaviour around ways to distract. So what ends up happening is a struggle around their emotional life because the emotional pain doesn’t go away, it is just bound up in the body and defended against. Because those hurts and betrayals lie unattended to, it is easy to activate them. So there will be times when you are overwhelmed by emotion and then cutting off again and not feeling. 

Relationships become unsafe
It stands to reason that one of the consequences of relationship betrayal would be that we would experience relationships as unsafe. The more extensive our experience of relationship trauma, the more we will feel that relationships in general are a dangerous place. It is important for all of us to be able to rely on people when we need help, to know that others have our best interests at heart and to generally know that we matter to those around us. Without this safety and trust in relationships it makes it very difficult to deal with stress and traumatic events that happen in our life. Relationships are the way we feel safe in the world, and are important in the way we discharge emotional pain.

Sense of responsibility is distorted
Responsibility simply is the ability to respond to ourself and others. If we have experienced a lot of intrusion or neglect then we learn other people’s experience is more important than ours. Our ability to respond is distorted by putting more emphasis on what is happening for others and needing them to determine our experience. We will also not expect anyone to respond to what our needs might be, and so we have a distorted sense of responsibility for our own needs. This distortion affects how we feel connected to others.

Not taken seriously
Growing up in a family that disregards ones needs and feelings, whether that is from intrusion or neglect, gives the message that you do not matter. The feeling of insignificance sets up a lot of difficulties in ones life: in relationships, in figuring out how we want to live our life, making decisions and expressing our experience to others. It is difficult to take ourself seriously if we were not taken seriously by those growing up.

Shame
Even though this is at the last consequence mentioned it is the most important. Shame is what we carry as a result of needing to hide aspects of ourself. It results from being immobilized with fear. Any action or expression we were unable to take because of fear will result in shame. The preceding points all have aspects that involve feelings of inadequacy to change what is happening. As a child we perceive the world differently to when we are an adult. We see everything that happens to us as something to do with us. When we are being hurt it is easier to blame ourself than the person we are dependent on.  We have to somehow maintain a picture of them as the good parent. This is how we blame ourself and end up feeling shame.